Baby steps

The reality is beginning to hit home! My Mum is never coming back. I'll never be able to share what I'm cooking for dinner, or what I've planted in the garden. I won't need to advise her on how to handle situations (she seemed to lose her ability to read social situations in the last few years!) and I won't have over an hour conversations on the phone of an evening. Of course, I used to moan about spending sixty minutes plus on the phone dishing out advice, especially as my old job was almost entirely based on advising teenagers on how best to handle difficult situations and how to make amends if you hadn't handled it well!! But of course, once you don't have it anymore, you start to miss it. 

I know that I knew this was coming - I had even wished for it so she didn't have to suffer anymore and yet it's still a shock. The REALITY that she really has gone forever isn't as easy to deal with. I had grieved already for the loss of 'old-style' Mum because the dementia had destroyed most of that, but it patently hadn't prepared me for this :( 

I'm really struggling to find the motivation to do anything and yet I can't stand sitting around doing nothing. I have managed at least one job/task every day, but they are building up. Today I'm aiming to try to achieve. I may not manage it, but the intention is there!

The funeral is arranged for Thursday. I suspect that will be a crux point but also hopefully a turning point from numbness to starting the long process of coming to terms with having no history anymore. In many respects, my life will be less stressful without Mum in it, but blimey does she leave a BIG hole!