I'm talking more emotionally here! I feel as if I've been cast adrift and am floating around aimlessly. I don't know what direction I'm heading in and can't seem to grip on to anything to anchor me back into my life. I haven't written a post for ages because I can't seem to focus on anything long enough.
I'm going through the motions, still managing to do the necessary cleaning, washing, ironing and cooking, but I could do that afloat in a stormy sea with my eyes shut. I've been doing that for that last 35 years in some guise or other. If you looked in to my life from the outside, you would imagine everything was ticking along as normal and occasionally it all feels fine, but then I wake up feeling utterly lost. Normally I don't hold much store by dreams - they are frankly just the detritus from the day being churned around in your brain as your sleep, but last night my entire dream was about knowing I needed to get somewhere but not being able to find anyone to help me get there. If that isn't an analogy of my life at the moment, I don't know what is!
I should probably take comfort from the same old routine and the wheels rolling along, carrying me with them. However, there's a very big part of me going mad with frustration at not moving forward! I guess, I feel it even more keenly now I've lost my Mum, my anchor to my past. I long to move on the next stage of my life before it's too late. You never know what is around the corner. I certainly hadn't expected to lose my Mum this year.
I think I'm going to need to find a temporary anchor to allow me to cope with the next 12 months before we can make our move to achieving my longed for vision. Any suggestion anyone?
By the way the photo above is from our 20th Wedding Anniversay trip to the Maldives three years ago. It was THE most amazing place I have ever been to. We are hoping that once Mum's estate is sorted, we may be able to eek out another visit before all the islands sink with global warming. I know its not massively frugal and indeed you could argue it goes against my anti-consumerism standpoint, but it's so very very beautiful........
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ReplyDeleteIt will pass with time and you will always have wonderful memories. Just take your time drifting when and where you want. The world is still turning. The Maldives look wonderful I hope to go there some day.
ReplyDeleteIf you get an opportunity, you should go. Before I got there, I couldn't believe that they could be as beautiful as the photos in the brochure, but they were more beautiful and so incredibly gentle and peaceful too.
DeleteYou are grieving, give yourself time and don't rush into anything. When I lost my dad I felt like an orphan even though I was in my 50's. The feeling of who I was and where I came from was suddenly lost, I felt adrift, my roots ripped away. I wasn't seeing things clearly, or thinking straight for a long time though I didn't realise that at the time. Take this time to heal, then when you move on to the next stage of your life you will be ready to embrace it fully.
ReplyDeleteGood advice! I know that really I should be just letting it happen, but I'm a 'starter finisher' so its not really in my nature!
DeleteTime heals. Growing and making things help. The Maldives look wonderful I hope you get to return soon.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself.
Thank you. Perhaps a creative project would help ..... I'll get my thinking hat on!
DeleteAs the other ladies have said, just "go with the flow". You have been through a rough time and losing your Mum (especially if you were close), has left you rudderless. Do the basics if you feel you are having a bad day and do more if you feel you are having a good day. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to be or feel in this situation and there is no time limit to say when the 'fog' will lift. Thinking of you and sending you a hug. Best wishes. CMW
ReplyDeleteThank you. Yes I do feel rudderless. Weird really as I had been the guiding force for my Mum for the last few years rather than vice versa. still as you say, I need to ride this patch out and just keep plodding along.
DeleteSome-one said to recently "You are everyone in your dream.". I hope your life in the next few weeks/months gives you the a bit of space - and that you get the chance to re-visit such a lovely place. Jx
ReplyDeleteThank you, I certainly hope so too :)
DeleteWhen my Mum went My youngest brother left for Australia, and stayed there. It hits us all differently, as for being frugal you must do what is right for you. If it is the Maldives then do it, love it and tuck it away in your memory, then you can pop back whenever you wish. I live a frugal life and it means that I can have a sewing room with all the equipment that I want. I also buy fabric as and when I like. I don't waste money on smoking, drinking, meals out and wardrobes full of clothes.
ReplyDeleteDeath does seem to make people want to make fundamental changes - as if it's a reminder life is all too short! My aim is to move to be much closer to my big brother. After all, he's now the only person on the planet who knew me from when I was a baby!
DeleteYou're right - frugality isn't about denying yourself things, but about not wasting resources so you can lead a more satisfying life - that's a really good way to look at it! :)
Go for it as soon as the estate is sorted book a holiday and re visit a place connected to happy memories from the past grab life by both hands and throw yourself into it, losing parents is strange you suddenly feel like you are an orphan cast adrift into the big world, for me it was the sudden realisation I no longer had parents and I was the oldest generation in the family time seemed to be running away with me and I needed to do something with my life before time ran out, I wanted to live life to full, my sister on the other hand started looking up and spending time with relatives who had no contact with us since childhood, she kept bringing them round to visit me but I didnt want to know still dont, she still hankers after the family connection thing and stays in touch and visits them, it took me some time to settle even 6 years on I still have moments of loss but they are getting less. its early days for you yet dont worry about it or try not to :-)
ReplyDeleteI think I'm having the same reaction as you, although my plan is to move to be closer to my brother who is 8 years older than me. We have always been close, but rarely see one another, so to become closer over the last few, very difficult months, has been a very positive outcome. Fortunately for me he lives in Shropshire so we can get a great house and garden for our money!! I have so many plans for what I want to do which is exciting. I'm just not good at waiting!!
DeleteGosh I know that feeling so well. We lost Mum (in law) and the week after her funeral Dad had his heart attack that led to him having five months of illness and cancer was diagnosed. After his funeral we all floundered and had health issues ourselves, and basically a most terrible time, but gradually the norm returned and life was back on an even keel. You expect it will be easy, well easier at lest than it ever is, but you really do have to take it a day at a time. Because just when you feel you are getting somewhere there comes a day when it's three steps back and a black curtain over your life all over again.
ReplyDeleteAs everyone has said just go with the flow for a while. Let autopilot steer you through the mundane and make extra efforts (even though it's SO hard to do so) to take yourself somewhere new or just somewhere old and familiar that feels good, even if it's only a cold drink sat outside a pub basking in sunshine.
A holiday to the Maldives sounds like a wonderful idea, as does the move to be nearer to your brother. Keep them in your mind as you go through the day to day, and although it's easy to rush into something take care to choose your new home wisely, it could be the one ..... the forever home that gives you real roots for the future.
Thinking of you. xx
Thank you. I think I need to just accept that there will be good days and bad days for a while yet. I'm working on 'going with the flow' despite it not really being my natural disposition!! :)
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