Monday, 22 June 2015

Baby steps

The reality is beginning to hit home! My Mum is never coming back. I'll never be able to share what I'm cooking for dinner, or what I've planted in the garden. I won't need to advise her on how to handle situations (she seemed to lose her ability to read social situations in the last few years!) and I won't have over an hour conversations on the phone of an evening. Of course, I used to moan about spending sixty minutes plus on the phone dishing out advice, especially as my old job was almost entirely based on advising teenagers on how best to handle difficult situations and how to make amends if you hadn't handled it well!! But of course, once you don't have it anymore, you start to miss it. 
I know that I knew this was coming - I had even wished for it so she didn't have to suffer anymore and yet it's still a shock. The REALITY that she really has gone forever isn't as easy to deal with. I had grieved already for the loss of 'old-style' Mum because the dementia had destroyed most of that, but it patently hadn't prepared me for this :( 
I'm really struggling to find the motivation to do anything and yet I can't stand sitting around doing nothing. I have managed at least one job/task every day, but they are building up. Today I'm aiming to try to achieve. I may not manage it, but the intention is there!
The funeral is arranged for Thursday. I suspect that will be a crux point but also hopefully a turning point from numbness to starting the long process of coming to terms with having no history anymore. In many respects, my life will be less stressful without Mum in it, but blimey does she leave a BIG hole! 

14 comments:

  1. I was 29 with a young family when my mother died at the age of 68. It was hard as my youngest daughter was very close to her. I think my saviour was keeping busy with the family and homemaking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Keeping busy certainly helps me - less time to dwell!! Sad that your mother died when you were so young :(

      Delete
  2. I lost my mum twice like you and my dad its bloody hard many a time I have said I wish mum could see this or I could ask her about something, even six years on I still have moments I will stop and think of her, I didnt have a good relationship with my mum at times she was down right nasty but it dosent alter the fact she was my mum faults and all.
    I hope Thursday is a turning point for you and you can start to take steps to move on :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My relationship with my Mum was always complex and at times she too was nasty, but, as you say, she was my Mum and a lot of the things I do are because of her. :)

      Delete
  3. Baby steps like you say. Hopefully the funeral will really help you - it did me 5 months ago after losing Dad. Take care xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad :(

      Delete
  4. You have it so right - baby steps. That's all you can and should take ... baby steps forward. If you try to go too fast things will go to pot, you just have to take each day as it comes and give yourself time and thanks for getting through them. It's not easy, everyone grieves in their own way and comparisons can't be made, but if you just work your way through each day it will get easier in small, sometimes unmeasurable ways.

    Just know that you are in so many peoples thoughts and prayers. xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Even when you are expecting it, losing someone is horribly hard. Take your time, be kind to yourself, you will have good days and bad days, My thoughts and a virtual hug to you xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Will be thinking of you on Thursday Juliette love to all x x

    ReplyDelete
  7. One day at a time. Mums leave a gaping hole in your lives, I know, and my mum died when I was just 24 and a young mum myself - and I did miss her terribly, so I feel for you now. Sending hugs, and keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello... I'm a recently found your blog reader... I miss my Mother still...thirteen years and counting. At first I counted the hours, then days and weeks. Slowly it eased, but still when anything momentous happens in our family I can have a I'll just ring Mum moment. Just read your newer post too... You sound just like me in your beliefs...there is something, for me it's kind of Mother Nature meets Old Father Time mix. Chin up for Thursday, Take care, Jackie. x

    ReplyDelete