I'm talking more emotionally here! I feel as if I've been cast adrift and am floating around aimlessly. I don't know what direction I'm heading in and can't seem to grip on to anything to anchor me back into my life. I haven't written a post for ages because I can't seem to focus on anything long enough.
I'm going through the motions, still managing to do the necessary cleaning, washing, ironing and cooking, but I could do that afloat in a stormy sea with my eyes shut. I've been doing that for that last 35 years in some guise or other. If you looked in to my life from the outside, you would imagine everything was ticking along as normal and occasionally it all feels fine, but then I wake up feeling utterly lost. Normally I don't hold much store by dreams - they are frankly just the detritus from the day being churned around in your brain as your sleep, but last night my entire dream was about knowing I needed to get somewhere but not being able to find anyone to help me get there. If that isn't an analogy of my life at the moment, I don't know what is!
I should probably take comfort from the same old routine and the wheels rolling along, carrying me with them. However, there's a very big part of me going mad with frustration at not moving forward! I guess, I feel it even more keenly now I've lost my Mum, my anchor to my past. I long to move on the next stage of my life before it's too late. You never know what is around the corner. I certainly hadn't expected to lose my Mum this year.
I think I'm going to need to find a temporary anchor to allow me to cope with the next 12 months before we can make our move to achieving my longed for vision. Any suggestion anyone?
By the way the photo above is from our 20th Wedding Anniversay trip to the Maldives three years ago. It was THE most amazing place I have ever been to. We are hoping that once Mum's estate is sorted, we may be able to eek out another visit before all the islands sink with global warming. I know its not massively frugal and indeed you could argue it goes against my anti-consumerism standpoint, but it's so very very beautiful........